Day Of Defeat

Futile History

For the past five years, I’ve been yearning to halt my ever so unpopular vice… smoking. I didn’t even consider it as a problem of great significance at first which was my mistake that lead to my present situation. It was my negligence to overlook the potential consequences that this habit may incur at the length of time. How wrong I was. Many times I tried to stop this dreadful addiction, many times, I failed. Each time I was sure I was out of the habit, it pulls me back in. For every dire attempt of halting, results to painful punishment in the form of nausea, puking, insomnia and countless unbearable withdrawal symptoms. I initially thought it was only hysteria but to my dismay, the symptoms inadvertently happen even when I’m unconscious. In the process of coercing myself out of the disease, the interval in between the act gets smaller and smaller. I thought to myself that I should have realized the risk before self-inducing myself with this toxin. Countless times, I asked myself if I was fighting an already losing battle. I can no longer stop the inevitable. It didn’t take me long to realize that I already lost.

Mental Torment

After all the incalculable mishaps I’ve experienced, I’ve always blamed my own shortcomings as the cause. But this time, it affected me on a large magnitude and at the most critical point. This particular occurrence had been taking its toll on me, both physically and mentally. The pain of not being able to plot any form of solution is agonizingly frustrating on my part. No other difficulty I’ve encountered was as relentless and atrocious as this one. The test of time transformed itself from a minor nuisance to a major disturbance. It isn’t even an addiction anymore. It’s like I’m forced to depend on the substance to live. It’s not the thought of dying by it that infuriates me; it’s the thought of living with it. There’s nothing like feeling the guilt of pulling the trigger of your own self-destruction.

Concession

It’s about time I admit defeat. Smoking is something I have to tolerate. It literally kills me on continuing this habit but past experiences to stop it proved to be unproductive. It’s a decision I’ve made and a decision that I have to live with. I’m pretty much assuring myself not to waste anymore effort to confront this problem.